Leaders may like to think we’re independent thinkers and actors, but really we’re not.
You are being formed every day – by who you spend time with, who you listen to, and what you give your attention to. Some people stretch you, strengthen and sharpen you, others dilute, distract, drain or may even be out to destroy you!
Here’s a simple diagnostic to establish the truth about who is shaping your life:
Nobody is a Stand-Alone Leader
Leaders form communities, and we cannot be formed in isolation. We are shaped as we shape, in community – whether intentional or accidental.
The question therefore is not if you are being shaped, it’s who is shaping you?
And I think we need to be aware and intentional about that now, more than ever as that shaping includes:
- people you are with in rooms
- voices on your phone
- content in your feed
In a world of ‘influencers’ – some of the most influential “people” in your life may include some you’ve never actually met.
Two Circles Every Leader Lives In
We inhabit two communities:
1. Public Community
These are the people who:
- observe you
- evaluate you
- benefit from your leadership
This circle determines your influence.
They are important. But they don’t form you deeply.
2. Personal Community
These are the people (and inputs) who:
- shape your thinking
- challenge your assumptions
- carry your burdens
- speak into your soul and spirit
This circle determines your health.
That’s more important than influence.
But while most leaders are careful with the first circle, few are as intentional about the second.
Who Is Actually Shaping You?
Ask yourself:
- Who stretches your thinking?
- Who listens to your dreams?
- Who tells you the truth you need to hear?
- Who walks with you when you’re struggling?
- Who deepens your faith?
And now ask:
- What books and podcasts shape me?
- What voices do I trust?
- What content do I keep returning to?
- Who do I need to listen to so I grow out of my bubble?
Because formation today isn’t just relational.
It’s digital, constant, and often unfiltered.
The People (and Patterns) You Need
Every leader needs a mix of these: (as you read, write names alongside each)
🧠 The Thinkers
People (or voices) who stretch your mind.
They don’t just affirm you – they expand you.
👂 The Listeners
People who hear your heart, not just your sermons or output.
They create space for honesty.
⚖️ The Correctors
People who can say hard things, admonish you.
Without them, you’re in danger.
🤝 The Supporters
People who come alongside you in real life.
Not just with sympathy or applause – actual help.
🔥 The Faith Builders
People who draw you closer to God.
They don’t just talk leadership – they point you to Jesus.
Great addition – this fits perfectly and actually strengthens the framework. I’d place it just before “The Ones to Watch”so it builds positively before the warning section.
Here’s your inserted section in your voice:
The Voices You Should Be Very Intentional About
As well as the general mix of people around you, there are two roles every leader must pursue deliberately:
🎯 Coaches
A good coach doesn’t create something new in you.
They bring out the best of what God has already put there.
As I do this for individuals and teams in today’s world, this might be on Zoom or over coffee but beyond AI prompts this is:
- a real person you meet with
- a voice you consistently learn from
- offering structured content and frameworks that stretch and sharpen you
NB. it must be intentional, not accidental.
🧭 Mentors
Mentors help guide the way ahead of you and the only way they can do that is that they’ve walked a road you’re still navigating. (Coaches don’t have to be able to do what you do, that’s the key distinction!)
Mentors offer wisdom, perspective, and sometimes warning.
Coaches draw things out of you.
Mentors point the way in front of you.
⚖️ The Balance
Some relationships you just receive, others you must pursue. Either take work and consistency to benefit you. The best leaders deliberately build a balanced ecosystem to include:
- people who develop them
- people who direct them
- people who walk with them
And Then… The Ones to Watch
Boundaries matter – that means not everyone gets equal access to your life. That’s not harsh.
That’s leadership health.
Who do you spend most of your time with?
👀 Spectators
They consume, but don’t contribute. They like the output, but avoid the cost. They want inspiration, not transformation.
They can be dangerous because praise you from the sidelines, or can just as easily turn into…
❌ Critics
We should listen and maybe learn from constructive criticism, but over time we will learn there are always people who evaluate everything but help build nothing.
I’ve learned no matter how hard I try, some people can never be pleased – because that’s not actually their goal. They’re basically unhappy people whatever, I am not their problem or their solution.
🩸 Bleeders
There will always be genuine Strugglers we need to help and spend time supporting as shepherds – but ‘Bleeders’ seek recognition and identity through their problems – they always have at least one – and constantly drain emotional and spiritual energy.
Care for them? Yes.
Build your life around them? No.
This Requires Courage
Here’s the tension:
To be faithful to what God has called you to do (for Him and for people), you will inevitably disappoint some people because you can’t say yes to everyone and still say yes to God.
The apostle Paul the Apostle put it bluntly:
“Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God?
If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.” Galatians 1:10
Key Words Here:
- “Please” = ἀρέσκω (areskō) → to seek favour, approval, to accommodate
- “Servant” = δοῦλος (doulos) → bond-servant, fully given to another
Paul’s logic is clear that if your aim is to gain approval of people, you cannot be fully given to Christ. That’s not callous or arrogance, it’s clarity of allegiance.
Jesus Modelled This
Jesus didn’t give equal access to everyone. In three years of public ministry
- He ministered to the crowds
- He invested in the twelve
- He focused on the three
And as time got shorter, the focus got sharper from the many to the few. He loved everyone.
But He didn’t structure His life around the crowd.
So… Back to Your Diary
Take a look at the week, and the month ahead.
Not just at what you’re doing
But at who you’re with and what voices you are letting in, remembering –
- your inputs shape your thinking
- your thinking shapes your decisions
- your decisions shape your life
Final Thought
Everything I write here is mostly to remind myself – ‘Don’t just build a ministry. Don’t just build a platform. Build a life that honours God and builds people.”
Being intentional about the right people – and the right inputs – around your life is massive for that because that’s what’s building you.
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And if you want to go further, you might find this helpful too:
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